the Top Five, Remote (But Still Awesome) Events of 2020

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Note: the following piece is satirical, meaning it shouldn’t be taken literally. Like, at all. 

We’ve come to the nitty-gritty of the annus horribilis that was 2020. Yes, readers. In less than 48 hours, it will finally pass into, well, the past. But before the world rings in the new year, I thought it might be fun to get reacquainted with what may be the five greatest moments that had to happen in a virtual way this year, because of the not-in-any-possible-way-China’s-fault, novel coronavirus. (For a less fun, super-serial look back, you could take a gander at this French news website’s version of world events — but I don’t recommend it.)

Let’s get started!

5. Omnibus Spending/COVID Direct Relief Bill

In a nod to what Big Tech can do to improve all of our lives, both Democratic and Republican House members took advantage of voting by proxy (that is, remotely) in order to not even show up to work, while unemployed Americans waitied and small business owners were forced to shutter their livelihoods during the best time for that, the 2020 holiday season.

4. China’s economy grows, unlike every other nation, after coronavirus dissipates there

This is something no one could have foreseen. Just a tip of the cap to the ol’ CCP here!

3. Mail-in ballots for the 2020 election

When goverment officials and mainstream media talking heads managed to scare Americans half to death with the not-in-any-possible-way-China’s-fault COVID-19 pandemic, a solution emerged to ease the burden of discharging every American’s (and some crafty undocumented Americans’) duty of self-governance: putting your ballot in the safe and trusted hands of the U.S.Postal Service! Worked out well, especially for people who searched “can I change my vote?” in the waning days of October.

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2. Joe Biden-Kamala Harris campaign

Who knew that the presidential campaign of a major political party could be accomplished with practically no campaigning at all?! For the closing months of the general election, neither Biden or Harris appeared to put in even banker’s hours. As a bonus, the American people learned some media politispeak that could come in handy for, potentially, the next four years: “calling a lid.”

That brings me to the number one, most awesome (but remote) event of the year…

1. The Democratic National Convention (DNC)

“Pageantry” doesn’t begin to describe the sumptuous event put on by the Democrat Party in August to officially nominate former vice president Joe Biden and Senator Kamala Harris as their platform’s standard-bearers during the general election.

I mean, c’mon, broadcast out to the eager, hopeful masses in America’s flyover country from Philadelphia, you had these highlights.
Cindy McCain DNC Video Revives the Ghost of John McCain’s Fateful Vote Saving Obamacare

Watch the Stampede: Dem Convention Officials Tell Reporters to ‘Hurry Outside’ to See Fireworks

And this…

There Were Questions Surrounding the Michelle Obama Convention Speech and the Answer Reveals Much

And how could anyone forget this magic moment:
Bizarre Video at End of First Night of Convention Shows How Clueless Democrats Really Are

Honestly, it was the convention’s soaring rating told the tale: Americans loved what they saw from the Donkey Party in 2020…at least, it would appear so. Happily, they’ll get more of the same in 2021.

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